Psychologist Richard Weissbourd contends that parents who are obsessed with their children's happiness are ignoring other important values — like goodness, empathy, appreciation and caring — that are necessary to a well-rounded personality. Weissbourd is the author of The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development.
A lecturer in education at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and the Kennedy School of Government, Weissbourd has founded several interventions for at-risk children, including ReadBoston, WriteBoston and Project ASPIRE.
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But for anyone who is willing to enter children's worlds and look hard at what shapes their development, there is much about these explanations that is mystifying, if not deeply unsettling. At best they miss the point; at worst they are a kind of massive cover-up and cop-out. Blaming peers and popular culture lets adults off the hook— and dangerously so. It dodges a fundamental truth that is supported by a mountain of research. Children's moral development is decided by many factors, including not only media and peer influences but their genetic endowment, birth order, gender, and how these different factors interact. Yet we are the primary influence on children's moral lives. The parent-child relationship is at the center of the development of all the most important moral qualities, including honesty, kindness, loyalty, generosity, a commitment to justice, the capacity to think through moral dilemmas, and the ability to sacrifice for important principles.
While there's nothing wrong with exhorting adults to be better role models and to teach values, this by itself does nothing to help people actually be and do these things. I don't know any adult who became a better role model simply by being told to be one. Nor do these exhortations reach the heart of what it is to be a person who is an effective parent, a true moral mentor.
What I am acutely aware matters most as a parent is not whether my wife and I are "perfect" role models or how much we talk about values, but the hundreds of ways — as living, breathing, imperfect human beings— we influence our children in the complex, messy relationships we have with them day to day.
This knowledge came to me gradually in the first years of my children's lives, but there was one specific afternoon when it struck me most sharply. Sunday afternoons were sacrosanct, reserved for family outings. My three kids are three years apart, and it was often hard to find something that was fun for every one.
One blustery, sunny Sunday, we went to a park near the ocean. My oldest son, then about seven years old, was withdrawn and seemed listless. The park was not his favorite place. My week had been stressful, and I'd been looking forward to this outing. I lashed out at him for sulking. We had done what he'd wanted to do the Sunday before, I reminded him, and I expected him to rally, to cheerfully participate. It also seemed to me that this was an opportunity to reinforce a basic notion of reciprocity.
My wife certainly agreed with me that our son should be expected to engage in activities for the sake of the family. But, she pointed out, he seemed more tired than unhappy, and she reminded me that I, too, could seem less than enthusiastic during family activities I didn't enjoy. She added, gently, that perhaps I should rethink whether the real issue in this case was teaching my son a moral standard. Instead, maybe I'd gotten angry because I'd been expecting this family event to pull me out of my own bad mood.
After some grumbling, I came to see that my wife was right. I apologized to my son and explained to him that I had had a rough week. But what dawned on me suddenly was that under the guise of teaching my son a principle, I had made it harder for him to care about how I thought or felt, more self-protective, and perhaps a little less willing to pitch in for the family. What also hit me was that while this single event wouldn't do lasting damage, many times a week we had interactions with our kids in which my wife and I succeeded— or failed— in disentangling and balancing our needs and theirs and in enabling them to take other perspectives, and that these interactions, cumulatively, defined their notion of what a relationship is and powerfully shaped their capacity for caring, respectful relationships. Our children's moral qualities were also shaped day to day by what we registered, or failed to acknowledge, in the world around us, and what we asked them to register— whether we let them treat a store clerk as invisible, or commented when a child in a playground had been treated unfairly, or pointed out to them a neighbor's good deed. We were, too, constantly affecting their moral abilities by how we de fined their responsibilities for others, and by whether we insisted that those responsibilities be met. Our effectiveness as moral mentors has hinged, most basically, on whether we have earned our children's respect and trust by, among many things, admitting our errors and explaining our decisions to them in ways that they see as fair. It was these day- to- day details of our relationship with our children— far more than our talk about values— that formed their moral core.
What has clearly been hardest for my wife and me— and for every parent we know— is being vigilant about these things when we have been stressed or depleted or outright depressed. There are "strategies" that can help us with our children during these critical moments, to be sure. But what is fundamentally being challenged at these times are our moral qualities and maturity— including our ability to manage our flaws— qualities that can't be feigned. The reason many children in this country continually lack vital moral qualities is that we have failed to come to grips with the fundamental reality that we bring our selves to the project of raising a moral child. That makes being a parent or mentor a profound moral test, and learning to raise children well a profound moral achievement.
From; NPR.org
Friday, April 24, 2009
An issue that concerns us all
GORE APPEALS TO HOUSE COMMITTEE ON CLIMATE BILL.
After a marathon week of panels and testimonies on the discussion draft of the 2009 American Clean Energy and Security Act, former Vice President Al Gore spoke this morning in hopes of summarizing all that was debated concerning the climate bill. Speaking before the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Gore said the proposed legislation has "the moral significance equivalent to that of the civil rights legislation of the 1960's and the Marshall Plan of the late 1940's."
It seems people have lost all shyness about defining their representative issues as "the civil rights" of our generation. Gore's wording -- "moral significance equivalent to" -- seemed, though, a more genuine and accurate phrasing, compared to defining the issue as such. But, what Gore proceeded to describe, in explaining why the challenge of fighting global warming is no longer something for partisan trifling about, illustrated something much bigger than a staging for civil rights. Among the examples of evidence of climate change catastrophe, Gore cited:
"New research, which draws upon recently declassified data collected by U.S. nuclear submarines traveling under the Arctic ice cap for the last 50 years ... has told us that the entire Arctic ice cap may totally disappear in summer in as little as five years."
"A recent study in the journal Science has now confirmed that the entire West Antarctic Ice Sheet is warming. Scientists have told us that if it were to collapse and slide into the sea, we would experience global sea level rise of another 20 feet worldwide."
"The American West and the Southeast have been experiencing prolonged severe drought and historic water shortages. A study ... from the Scripps Institute estimated that 60 percent of the changes in the West's water cycle are due to increased atmospheric man-made greenhouse gases."
"A number of new studies continue to show that climate change is increasing the intensity of hurricanes. Although we cannot attribute any particular storm to global warming, we can certainly look at the trend. Dr. Greg Holland from the National Center for Atmospheric Research says that we have experienced a 300 to 400 percent increase in category five storms in the past 10 years."
Such catastrophes, if left unchecked, will result in challenges much larger than presented in a civil rights context. And since the climate bill won't be moving with any speed on economic principles -- if rebuttal from Republicans on the committee are any indication -- then moral appeal may have to figure stronger in the bill's advocacy.
From Tapped; the group blog of the American Prospect (www.prospect.org)
After a marathon week of panels and testimonies on the discussion draft of the 2009 American Clean Energy and Security Act, former Vice President Al Gore spoke this morning in hopes of summarizing all that was debated concerning the climate bill. Speaking before the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Gore said the proposed legislation has "the moral significance equivalent to that of the civil rights legislation of the 1960's and the Marshall Plan of the late 1940's."
It seems people have lost all shyness about defining their representative issues as "the civil rights" of our generation. Gore's wording -- "moral significance equivalent to" -- seemed, though, a more genuine and accurate phrasing, compared to defining the issue as such. But, what Gore proceeded to describe, in explaining why the challenge of fighting global warming is no longer something for partisan trifling about, illustrated something much bigger than a staging for civil rights. Among the examples of evidence of climate change catastrophe, Gore cited:
"New research, which draws upon recently declassified data collected by U.S. nuclear submarines traveling under the Arctic ice cap for the last 50 years ... has told us that the entire Arctic ice cap may totally disappear in summer in as little as five years."
"A recent study in the journal Science has now confirmed that the entire West Antarctic Ice Sheet is warming. Scientists have told us that if it were to collapse and slide into the sea, we would experience global sea level rise of another 20 feet worldwide."
"The American West and the Southeast have been experiencing prolonged severe drought and historic water shortages. A study ... from the Scripps Institute estimated that 60 percent of the changes in the West's water cycle are due to increased atmospheric man-made greenhouse gases."
"A number of new studies continue to show that climate change is increasing the intensity of hurricanes. Although we cannot attribute any particular storm to global warming, we can certainly look at the trend. Dr. Greg Holland from the National Center for Atmospheric Research says that we have experienced a 300 to 400 percent increase in category five storms in the past 10 years."
Such catastrophes, if left unchecked, will result in challenges much larger than presented in a civil rights context. And since the climate bill won't be moving with any speed on economic principles -- if rebuttal from Republicans on the committee are any indication -- then moral appeal may have to figure stronger in the bill's advocacy.
From Tapped; the group blog of the American Prospect (www.prospect.org)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thought for the Day
Two essays by the Rev John Bell from the BBC Radio program-Thought for the Day. We hope the first one encourages you to join the Choir!
It may not belong before the tabloids sport headlines such as 'Mendelssohn on the Mersey' or 'Rachmaninov in Raploch'…and all because there are 'More than Maracas in Caracas.'
Last week, the Simon Bolivar Orchestra from Venezuela performed in Britain. Its first concert earned a rare five star rating in the Guardian. All the instrumentalists in this ensemble are under 24. And many come from backgrounds where classical music would not have been a life choice were it not for a project called El Sistema which, in 30 years, has tutored 400,000 children and set up 150 orchestras in what is still regarded as a 'developing nation.'
The scheme is now being introduced in Britain. It has already started in Scotland, in the Raploch, a neighbourhood on the outskirts of Stirling. The project there is called 'the Big Noise' And last week the project's chair commented, 'It costs about £2,000 per year for a child to be taught in the Big Noise. If the child ends up in the criminal justice system, it costs £18,500 per year.
Does this mean that classical music is the antidote to criminality? No, that would be a naïve assertion. But I'm reminded of a comment made by the head teacher of a primary school I once visited in Yorkshire. Its 190 strong choir included every child who did not go home for lunch. The head had prioritised class singing as an essential feature of the curriculum and commented that one result was a noticeable decrease in behavioural problems.
'Why so?' I asked her and she said, 'You can pay a fortune for sports equipment and instructors and one of the by-products is to make children competitive. You hire a part time singing teacher and you make children cooperative.
Maybe this is why within Christian churches, music has had such a high priority… not just the practised music of performers, but the sound of untutored voices doing something magnificent together.
For, of all the arts, music is the most participative. We can't all paint or perform a play together. But we can all sing; and the Bible sees this cooperative activity not as an option, but as a response to a divine command: "Sing me a new song…" says God.
In a highly competitive society, there's something to be treasured in a pursuit which costs little apart from time.
Maybe this is what differentiates us from the beasts… that we make music not to attract suitors or display skill, but because cooperation is what we need to learn in order to prevent our race from dying.
copyright 2009 BBC
It may not belong before the tabloids sport headlines such as 'Mendelssohn on the Mersey' or 'Rachmaninov in Raploch'…and all because there are 'More than Maracas in Caracas.'
Last week, the Simon Bolivar Orchestra from Venezuela performed in Britain. Its first concert earned a rare five star rating in the Guardian. All the instrumentalists in this ensemble are under 24. And many come from backgrounds where classical music would not have been a life choice were it not for a project called El Sistema which, in 30 years, has tutored 400,000 children and set up 150 orchestras in what is still regarded as a 'developing nation.'
The scheme is now being introduced in Britain. It has already started in Scotland, in the Raploch, a neighbourhood on the outskirts of Stirling. The project there is called 'the Big Noise' And last week the project's chair commented, 'It costs about £2,000 per year for a child to be taught in the Big Noise. If the child ends up in the criminal justice system, it costs £18,500 per year.
Does this mean that classical music is the antidote to criminality? No, that would be a naïve assertion. But I'm reminded of a comment made by the head teacher of a primary school I once visited in Yorkshire. Its 190 strong choir included every child who did not go home for lunch. The head had prioritised class singing as an essential feature of the curriculum and commented that one result was a noticeable decrease in behavioural problems.
'Why so?' I asked her and she said, 'You can pay a fortune for sports equipment and instructors and one of the by-products is to make children competitive. You hire a part time singing teacher and you make children cooperative.
Maybe this is why within Christian churches, music has had such a high priority… not just the practised music of performers, but the sound of untutored voices doing something magnificent together.
For, of all the arts, music is the most participative. We can't all paint or perform a play together. But we can all sing; and the Bible sees this cooperative activity not as an option, but as a response to a divine command: "Sing me a new song…" says God.
In a highly competitive society, there's something to be treasured in a pursuit which costs little apart from time.
Maybe this is what differentiates us from the beasts… that we make music not to attract suitors or display skill, but because cooperation is what we need to learn in order to prevent our race from dying.
copyright 2009 BBC
Thought for the Day
There's a phrase I heard twice on this programme on Friday and read several times in the newspapers over the weekend. It has become almost a ritual saying when something has gone wrong in the economy, in politics, or in welfare, educational and health services. It is…. 'Lessons will be learned'.
I would gladly censure that convenient aphorism. It is convenient news-speak, diplomatic flannel, a multipurpose euphemism. In nearly every case what the speaker means to say is: I can't believe our failsafe system has failed; or I don't know who's to blame yet, but heads will roll
It inevitably leads to a committee of enquiry being set up to scrutinise and make recommendations. It is always post factum...after the event. And it nearly always happens in situations where the prophetic voice has been ignored.
In the season of Advent, we are encouraged to listen for such voices. They are not the meanderings of fortune tellers whose palms have been greased to flatter the client. The prophet is someone who reads into the present state of society and discerns two things….the consequence of present actions in advance of a crisis...and an alternative reality which is worth striving for.
I suspect that if Isaiah were around today he wouldn't be surprised at the disquiet surrounding Social Work departments.
10 years ago he would have said to unsympathetic ears:
If you burden social workers with case-loads they can't manage,
and require them to spend as much time on paper work as on client contact,
and then use them and teachers as whipping boys when things go wrong,
they will never give of their best.
I suspect that if Amos were around today he wouldn't be surprised by the global financial crisis.
Ten years ago he would have said...
If you encourage a culture of debt, put few restrictions on what people can borrow;
if you allow unbridled consumerism to run wild, the economy will crash.
If Jeremiah were around today, he wouldn't be surprised by the fragility of the ecosystem caused by a cavalier approach to conservation. He would point to what he said two and a half millennia ago...
Your wrongdoing will upset nature's order,
and your sins will terminate her generosity.
Sometimes for good and honourable reasons, sometimes for reasons of political expediency, the prophetic voices are not given the hearing that they deserve as necessary correctives to the prevailing norms in politics as in faith. But it's at our peril that we ignore them. For they remind us not just that prevention is better than cure, but also that insight is better than hindsight.
copyright 2008 BBC
I would gladly censure that convenient aphorism. It is convenient news-speak, diplomatic flannel, a multipurpose euphemism. In nearly every case what the speaker means to say is: I can't believe our failsafe system has failed; or I don't know who's to blame yet, but heads will roll
It inevitably leads to a committee of enquiry being set up to scrutinise and make recommendations. It is always post factum...after the event. And it nearly always happens in situations where the prophetic voice has been ignored.
In the season of Advent, we are encouraged to listen for such voices. They are not the meanderings of fortune tellers whose palms have been greased to flatter the client. The prophet is someone who reads into the present state of society and discerns two things….the consequence of present actions in advance of a crisis...and an alternative reality which is worth striving for.
I suspect that if Isaiah were around today he wouldn't be surprised at the disquiet surrounding Social Work departments.
10 years ago he would have said to unsympathetic ears:
If you burden social workers with case-loads they can't manage,
and require them to spend as much time on paper work as on client contact,
and then use them and teachers as whipping boys when things go wrong,
they will never give of their best.
I suspect that if Amos were around today he wouldn't be surprised by the global financial crisis.
Ten years ago he would have said...
If you encourage a culture of debt, put few restrictions on what people can borrow;
if you allow unbridled consumerism to run wild, the economy will crash.
If Jeremiah were around today, he wouldn't be surprised by the fragility of the ecosystem caused by a cavalier approach to conservation. He would point to what he said two and a half millennia ago...
Your wrongdoing will upset nature's order,
and your sins will terminate her generosity.
Sometimes for good and honourable reasons, sometimes for reasons of political expediency, the prophetic voices are not given the hearing that they deserve as necessary correctives to the prevailing norms in politics as in faith. But it's at our peril that we ignore them. For they remind us not just that prevention is better than cure, but also that insight is better than hindsight.
copyright 2008 BBC
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